Blinking Reindeer

Say what?

The semi-coherent ramblings of tracygee

Rob OMG lulz
(Note:  This is old as can be, but as Rob may be single again, I thought I would unlock it again for the lol's.)

Here I sit during my lunch hour looking at the bevy of work that awaits me. There's a stack of court orders to go through, assignments to be made, letters to write, and I currently have six voicemails just *blinking* at me I need to return.

So, what's a busy, busy girl to do? WRITE DELICIOUS CRACK, of course.

Now, I normally leave crack writing to the experts (Tori..holla!), but I am inspired. This ditty started with a post I responded to over at RPattz's IMDb board, Wait, so who is he dating? I'm only asking bc I think I have a good shot:

Oh, I am so happy you asked, because we here at have a ten-page application we'd love for you to fill out. Now, remember: all applicants must be at least 18 years of age, and we do require both a headshot and full body shot be attached to your application.

The $10.00 application fee will be waived for all bonafide supermodels. Please attach your agency portfolio in lieu of the fee.

For best results be completely honest. Our website will assign point values to ensure the best match for Rob. Bonus points are given for anyone with a fondness for plaid, drinking, blues, or who in any way resembles TomStu.

The application deadline is fast approaching, so hurry!

This way for the official application.Collapse )
- - -

Welcome to
Hooking you up with HoboPattz since 2008.

Official Hook Up Application

Please complete all areas as indicated.  Incomplete applications will not be processed.
Be honest for best results.
Name: ______________________________________________

  • 18-25   (+5)

  • 25-30   (-2)

  • Twimom (-5)

  • Under 18 - We're sorry, RPattz cannot be deported for statuatory rape.  Your application cannot be processed at this time.  Check back once you have reached legal age.

Physical Traits, Build:

  • Normal build (+2)

  • A bit on the skinny side (+5)

  • A little cushion for the pushin' (-1)

  • Twimom (-5)

  • Supermodel build (+10)  NOTE:  If you are an actual supermodel please forward your portfolio.  There is no need to answer any further questions on the survey.  YOU HAVE BEEN APPROVED.  We will be contacting you shortly. 

Physical Traits, Haircolor:

  • Long and brown (+5)

  • Long and blonde (+2)

  • Short and...color does not matter, frankly (-2)

  • TomStu-like hair (+7)

Physical Traits, Eye Color:

  • Blue (+3)

  • A soft, warm brown (+3)

  • Bloodshot, most of the time. (+10)

  • AMBER!  I bought the Twilight contacts!! (-10)

Physical Traits, Attractiveness:

  • People say I'm cute (+2)

  • I'm beautiful (+5)

  • It's what's on the inside that counts (-5)

  • I am a supermodel (+10) Actual supermodels who were not able to comprehend the instructions above should ask a friend to help them process the application.  ONCE AGAIN, YOU HAVE BEEN APPROVED. No further questions need to be answered.


  • I'm a glitzy gal...dresses and heels for me (-2)

  • Jeans and T-shirts, mostly (+2)

  • I wear whatever is on the floor in the morning (+5)

  • I have a fondness for plaid and sharing clothes with friends.  (+10)


  • I'm bubbly and happy all the time (+2)

  • I'm angst-filled.  I like to sit around listening to depressing music (+3)

  • Friends say I'm the life of the party, wherever I go, laughter follows.  (+5)

  • I'm a bitch...but I look like a model.  (+10)

My ideal date night would be:

  • A movie, and then a night out dancing (-2)

  • Dinner, followed by a long, romantic walk on the beach (+2)

  • A bar, a bottle of booze, a pack of cigarettes and good conversation (+5)

  • Me, a bed, and hot sex. (+20)

When it comes to music, I love listening to:

  • New, upcoming bands that no one has ever heard of.  I'm that cool.  (+2)

  • It's all about the blues, baby.  (+5)

  • Some dude named Bobby Dupea is my favorite (+10)

  • THE JONAS BROTHERS!!! (-10) We're sorry, your application has been denied.  As explained previously, all applicants must be at least 18 years of age.  Your answer disqualifies you.

When it comes to movies:

  • I'm an independent flick girl (+5)

  • Sit me down with a horror flick ... the gorier the better (0)

  • Romances.  They just make me sigh.  (-2)


My favorite book is:

  • This really cool esoteric piece my professor recommended to me (+5)

  • A classic (+3)

  • I don't know...I don't read very much (-10)


Lifestyle/Habits, Smoking:

  • Ugh.  I hate the smell of smoke.  (-5)

  • Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.  (0)

  • I've been known to have a puff or two when I'm at a party. (+2)

  • Light me up, baby! (+5)

  • Get your damn hands off my pack of ciggies, Robert!!! (-10)

Lifestyle/Habits, Drinking:

  • I don't drink, ever, and hate people that do. (-10)

  • I don't drink, but whatever suits you. (0)

  • I like to get a buzz on. (+2)

  • I've been known to get drunk on weekends (+5)

  • *hiccup* Wha wuz the questionnnnn? (+10)

Lifestyle/Habits, Drugs:

  • Just Say NO! (-5)

  • I don't, but whatever suits you. (0)

  • Pass the weed, my friend. (+5)

  • Yeah whatever, whenever. (+7)

  • I'm a dealer, I'll keep ya happy.  (+10)  NOTE: Please contact our offices directly for additional instructions.

Lifestyle/Habits, Sex:

  • I dont' kiss on the first date.  (-10)

  • I like to get to know a guy first.  (-5)

  • It's been known to happen on a first date...occasionally. (+5)

  • Where is the bed? (+10)

  • Should I bring friends? (+20)

Bonus Questions (please award yourself five additional points for every yes answer):

I appreciate a good happy trail.  _____yes  _____no
Men who manscape are not attractive to me. _____yes  _____no
Scruff is good; and beards can be better. _____yes  _____no
Threesomes turn me on.  _____yes  _____no
People say I look a bit like TomStu.  _____yes  _____no

Thank you for completing your application.  Remember to attach a headshot and full-body photo.
Applications that meet our stringent criterea will be forwarded to RPattz for approval. 

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